Second Story Syndrome

Howdy All.

I hope everyone is well.  We’re a month into 2018 and things are crazy!

This is just going to be a quick update about me…exciting I know, and then I’ll follow up in a couple weeks with more interesting fare.

I received my novella back from the editor and it turns out it’s just a complete mess.  I’ll admit I was less than focused last year, but that’s really no excuse.  I haven’t put out a novel in almost 3 years and I was truly hoping to get something out this month.

Evidently it’s not too uncommon to have your second novel suck balls so I’m not completely devastated. However, I am just devastated enough to hunker down and really focus so I can truly deliver something that will in fact not suck.

I take solace in knowing many writers suffer from “Second Story Syndrome” I just figured because of my years of experience I wouldn’t.

No one wants to hear their second attempt is a steaming pile of terribles, but it is what it is and she’s right…it is.  I do love the premise and potential so I will eventually go back and fix it, but my editor has almost 20 years experience so I’m taking her advice and leaving it aside for now.

I will now, be concentrating on my next two novels, Blood Rebellious and Night Mage that I will be aiming to release later this year and early next.

This will be followed by the sequel to The Geek entitled STILLWATER. And then, after the fixing I’ll release my novella.

Or I won’t.  We’ll see.

I will however be doing less podcasts and YouTube because I simply must concentrate on writing. If I’m not focused it’s all gonna suck and it is what I love to do more than anything.

Not suck, I don’t love that, I mean writing.

I am going to be taking this week to go over the chapters I’ve written so far for each novel and then choose the one I feel confident I’ll be able to flow with over the next month/month and half and finish it in time for a late spring/early summer release.

So while it’s unfortunate about the podcast and the youtube channel I will be uploading, but very sporadically.  And I’ll let you all know when new episodes are up.

However we currently do have a new podcast up on Podbean and ITunes all about time travel and the John Titor story.  I’ve also uploaded the video version of the podcast on YouTube, also about John Titor.

All links are below.

I hope everyone is getting their 2018 off to a good start and I’ll see you all very soon.

Best,

Jonathan

Perilous Podcast http://bit.ly/2och5LE  John Titor, Time Traveling Sex Maniac.

Perilous Vlogcast  http://bit.ly/perilpod Same guy, same sex mania.

Instagram http://bit.ly/1XgDJfc Stupid pictures I post of me doing stupid life stuff.

Twitter http://bit.ly/1YIWqZA A place to troll and be trolled.

Facebook http://bit.ly/fnbrjwp Probably pictures of me getting beaten up.

Goodreads http://bit.ly/1XpMF4k Read my reviews before you buy my novel.

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Hey look at me not giving a fuck.

Amazon http://amzn.to/1MwzPG6 Buy my novel already!  Jeez!

If you’re in Los Angeles head on over to Skylight Books in Los Feliz and pick up a copy there. They’re a great independent bookstore and it’s a nice way to show support for them.  We need all the independent stores we can get.

2018 An Attempt At Balance.

I just wrote that title and my first thought was yeah good luck with that.

We’re only five days into the new year and one quick glance at the headlines shows that balance may be a problem considering the absolutely amazing shit show we’ve seen thus far.

But, when it comes to my personal life, balance may be an achievable goal.

As a country we’ve certainly lost our balance, our ability to have nuanced discussions on a multitude of topics from politics to social issues and everything in between.

This is unfortunate but perhaps if we can find the balance in ourselves we can begin to apply that to the world.

Yeah I won’t hold my breath.

For me the new year weekend was a time of reflection.  I decided, instead of doing my usual eating pizza and watching movies thing, that I would do a 3 day fast/cleanse to truly reflect on my past year and think about my goals for the upcoming year.

Really I learned a lot.  Mainly however I learned that it was a really stupid thing to do.

No one should be sitting on their couch on new years eve thinking FUCK I’M HUNGRY!

But there were some positives that came out of it.

A) Most importantly I learned that if you are going to do a cleanse like this, don’t do it over a holiday when you should be shoving food into your cakehole.

B) It did seem to reset my sugar craving which had been very high as of late.  I’m sure it’ll get back up there eventually but to not actually be craving donuts and other things has helped in resetting my eating habits.  Which can only be a plus.

However the biggest benefit was the insight I gained during the time I was fasting.

Before I got sober a little over four years ago I was an incredibly aggressive and self destructive person.  Not to say that I was an asshole…though I certainly was more of one than I am now; I was fairly quick to anger and that anger was never channeled in a positive way.

Anger rarely is.

But, since getting sober I’ve really tried to better myself and to become a better person in all aspects of my life.

One of the keys to this new path has been meditation.  Meditation is wonderful and I do think its benefits far out way any detriments. However, it is possible (in my opinion) that I may have been meditating too much.

I was meditating every day for about 20 minutes, but sometimes on Saturdays and Sundays when I had a lot of time I would meditate for up to an hour or even hour and a half.

Now of course on the surface there’s nothing wrong with that.  It’s certainly better than drinking or using and of course it’s not hurting anybody.  However, I do think I have gone too far to the other side of who I was before.

I have found that perhaps there is a greater timidity to my personality than there used to be.  I am less driven than I used to be, because I am simply happy living in the moment.

I have found that, while I do not want to be overly aggressive, I may in fact not be aggressive enough in my everyday life.

It’s hard to describe and when I say aggressive I don’t mean just going around being a dick, I simply mean feeling that fire, that passion that drives people and can even contribute to your self worth.

And I want that back.

I don’t want the fire to turn to anger as it used to.  I want that fire to feed my passion.

Passion is the engine of the creative and that fire needs to be stoked constantly and evenly so that the engine neither dies nor explodes and I am determined to find that again in 2018.

The middle ground, the center path.  Able to bend without breaking.

To run through the forest without setting the fucking thing on fire in my wake.

This I believe is not only attainable but will in fact be incredibly positive.

So that is what I learned, this is my goal for 2018.

I’m not calling it a resolution, my resolve was set when I got sober.

It is simply a reminder that we all do better when living in balance.

Okay that’s all the hippie bullshit I have time for folks.

I do hope everybody had a great new year and that you are moving forward into 2018 in a positive way.

See y’all next week.

Jonathan

Hey look, links to crap:

Perilous Podcast http://bit.ly/2och5LE  A quick end of the year conversation.

Perilous Vlogcast  http://bit.ly/perilpod Are we living in a simulated universe?

As usual you can follow me on twitter, Instagram and facebook.

Instagram http://bit.ly/1XgDJfc Stupid pictures I post of me doing stupid life stuff.

Twitter http://bit.ly/1YIWqZA I say stupid stuff in small snippets.

Facebook http://bit.ly/fnbrjwp Probably pictures of me getting beaten up.

Goodreads http://bit.ly/1XpMF4k Read my reviews before you buy my novel.

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Amazon http://amzn.to/1MwzPG6 Buy my novel already!  Jeez!

If you’re in Los Angeles head on over to Skylight Books in Los Feliz and pick up a copy there. They’re a great independent bookstore and it’s a nice way to show support for them.  We need all the independent stores we can get.

 

 

 

Blow Me 2017.

Okay that may be a bit too harsh.

I went through some personal things in 2017 that put me through the ringer but ended in a lot of growth.  Growth not only on how I view others and their needs, but how I view myself and my idea of self worth.  This can only be looked at as a positive experience.

On the plus side, business was actually pretty good and looks to be shaping up to be even better in 2018 so I’m pretty excited about that.

I am very grateful for all of my gym mates at Kaiju MMA, most of which have become dear friends.  Those that aren’t dear friends are at the least friendly acquaintances who I assume will be friends by the end of 2018.

So I guess the only reason to call this post “Blow Me 2017” is because for most people it wasn’t a great year and I’m not quite sure if 2018 is going to be better.

We have a big fight on our hands for those who seek basic human rights, dignity and support so the fight will continue into the new year.

However, since this should be a fun time for everyone I do wish you all a Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please be safe, have fun and relax.

Now here’s a super treat you didn’t ask for.  Two!  That’s right TWO! End of the year podcasts.

Over on podbean and iTunes Angie and I are just taking a few minutes to reflect on the past year.

And right here is an exclusive, random, episode of the Stuff n Stuff podcast. The bro-host and I ramble for like an hour and half on all things 2017. It’s filled with immature ranting, fart jokes and stupidity. So yeah, somethings never change.

Over on YouTube we’re talking about the possibility that maybe we live in a simulated universe.  So you know, just some light conversation.

All links below and as usual I’ll see you all next week.

I have too much respect for myself and you to say “I’ll see you next year”.  That’d be lame.

Perilous Podcast http://bit.ly/2och5LE  A quick end of the year conversation. 

Perilous Vlogcast  http://bit.ly/perilpod Are we living in a simulated universe?

As usual you can follow me on twitter, Instagram and facebook.

Instagram http://bit.ly/1XgDJfc Stupid pictures I post of me doing stupid life stuff.

Twitter http://bit.ly/1YIWqZA I say stupid stuff in small snippets.

Facebook http://bit.ly/fnbrjwp Probably pictures of me getting beaten up.

Goodreads http://bit.ly/1XpMF4k Read my reviews before you buy my novel.

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Amazon http://amzn.to/1MwzPG6 Buy my novel already!  Jeez!

If you’re in Los Angeles head on over to Skylight Books in Los Feliz and pick up a copy there. They’re a great independent bookstore and it’s a nice way to show support for them.  We need all the independent stores we can get.

Best wishes to all.

Jonathan

Merry Christmas!

Hey everybody!

Merry Christmas to you all, I hope you’re all feeling gassy and bloated, I know I am.

As a pagan and occultist I wanted to wish everyone a very happy Christmas.

I don’t have much to say other than that.  I will spend the day like most of you, burping and farting myself into oblivion surrounded by loved ones who will occasionally glance at me sideways but are far too polite to point out my noxious terror.

However I did want to post a couple of super awesome Christmas vids for your enjoyment.

The first is one of my favorite Christmas things to watch.  This is a video taken at the Moth Radio Hour a few years back. Taylor Negron was an actor, comedian and writer. He was a native of Los Angeles and he tells what I believe to be the most amazing and epic Christmas story ever.  I watch it every year…sometimes just when I’m in a bad mood but man this is good stuff.

 

The next is a video I saw just yesterday but really enjoyed it and it’s just straight up super Christmasy.  A youtuber named Jonathan Guarano drove people around and got them all to sing a Christmas Classic.  This will definitely put you in a good mood.

If it doesn’t you should just give up because you’re Scrooge and I can’t help you.

 

Okay that’s all I have for this week.  Merry Christmas everyone and I’ll see ya in a week.

Oh and links to my crap

Perilous Podcast http://bit.ly/2och5LE  Are we living in a computer simulation?

Over on YouTube we’re discussing the JFK Assassination. This was recorded before the big document dump, but quite frankly the questions we ask are still relevant. Plus the documents that were released (because not all of them were) have done nothing to dissuade me from my original opinion.

Perilous Vlogcast  http://bit.ly/perilpod JFK and why my theory still works.

As usual you can follow me on twitter, Instagram and facebook.

Instagram http://bit.ly/1XgDJfc Stupid pictures I post of me doing stupid life stuff.

Twitter http://bit.ly/1YIWqZA I say stupid stuff in small snippets.

Facebook http://bit.ly/fnbrjwp Probably pictures of me getting beaten up.

Goodreads http://bit.ly/1XpMF4k Read my reviews before you buy my novel.

 

Amazon http://amzn.to/1MwzPG6 Buy my novel already!  Jeez!

If you’re in Los Angeles head on over to Skylight Books in Los Feliz and pick up a copy there. They’re a great independent bookstore and it’s a nice way to show support for them.  We need all the independent stores we can get.

Jonathan

Insert Title Here.

Hey All,

So, the end of the year creeps ever closer and like you I’m feeling excited for the coming year and just downright burned out on 2017.

I know I said no politics until the first of the year but I am going to break that for just a second and say how glad I am that Roy Moore did not win the special election in Alabama.

Do I think this is a bell weather mark for everything? No.  However, I do think the entire country is better off not electing a full blown maniacal, racist, theocratic wingnut with a thing for young teenage girls into the senate.

If you want to stand by the assertion that the women accusing Roy Moore are all liars and that these are simply allegations, okay that’s fine that’s your right.

Just explain to me why this guy was banned from the mall and the YMCA. That’s a fact and it’s in police records.

Anyhoodle, that’s all I’m gonna say on that and next week it’s an all Christmas extravaganza post.

Extravaganza may be too strong of a word in the sense that it’s definitely too strong of a word.

Now let’s get to the thing none of you really came here for.

There’s a brand new podcast over on podbean and iTunes. This episode Angie and I discuss the theory that the entire universe is a computer simulation being controlled by an incredibly advance race.  It’s an interesting topic that sort of melts our melons but we have a good talk about it.

Perilous Podcast http://bit.ly/2och5LE  Are we living in a computer simulation?

Over on YouTube we’re discussing the JFK Assassination. This was recorded before the big document dump, but quite frankly the questions we ask are still relevant. Plus the documents that were released (because not all of them were) have done nothing to dissuade me from my original opinion.

Perilous Vlogcast  http://bit.ly/perilpod JFK and why my theory still works.

As usual you can follow me on twitter, Instagram and facebook.

Instagram http://bit.ly/1XgDJfc Stupid pictures I post of me doing stupid life stuff.

Twitter http://bit.ly/1YIWqZA I say stupid stuff in small snippets.

Facebook http://bit.ly/fnbrjwp Probably pictures of me getting beaten up.

One last note, if you don’t know what to get someone for Christmas, why not give them the gift of assassination, murder, revenge, weird sex and dysfunction by picking up a copy of my pulp novel The Geek available on amazon in paperback.  Also available on iTunes and amazon for ebook.

And if you’re in Los Angeles head on over to Skylight Books in Los Feliz and pick up a copy there. They’re a great independent bookstore and it’s a nice way to show support for them.  We need all the independent stores we can get.

Goodreads http://bit.ly/1XpMF4k Read my reviews before you buy my novel.

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Could I look more uncomfortable?

Amazon http://amzn.to/1MwzPG6 Buy my novel already!  Jeez!

I hope everyone has a great weekend and I’ll see y’all next Friday.

Best.

Jonathan

 

I know it’s Christmas because everything is on fire!

Hey everybody,

So for all of you not in California and no access to the news everything is currently on fire.

My sister and her family almost had to evacuate but the winds shifted just at the right time allowing the fire department to contain the blaze a bit more so she didn’t have to in the end.

But she’s one of the lucky ones.

A lot of people have lost everything and even more have found themselves searching for places to stay while their homes continue to stand in the evacuation zones.

It’s hot, it’s dry and it feels never ending.

I’ve been fortunate enough so far and doubt I’ll be in danger of anything as my neighborhood is not in such a rural area, but of course that doesn’t mean next time I wont be the one packing up boxes and getting ready to skedaddle.

It’s hard to grasp how big these things are, even when you’re someone who is looking at massive plumes of smoke rising over the mountains.

Like just about everyone else my house was covered in ash for a few days and even when inside my home I could smell the fires.

But again I’m one of the lucky ones.

Rarely do I see a photo that makes me say “COOL!” and “OH FUCK!” at the same time but here are a couple for you.

The first is from the ISS space station showing the fires from yesterday as it zoomed past California.

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And here is one from a European satellite that shot some photos.

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Even with these it’s kind of hard to imagine it, but it’s all just massive and intense.

The weather reports all say it’s going to be a couple of weeks before we get some moisture in the air let alone rain, so that could be tough.

But then again predicting the weather is a lot like reading someone’s future with chicken bones…it’s not as accurate as it seems so perhaps we’ll get lucky.

I’m very much trying to stick to my promise of no politics until after the new year but with things going the way they are I think I should end this here before I break that promise.

To everyone suffering through this far worse than I am, I wish you nothing but the best.

To everyone else may I say happy holidays and all that.

It wouldn’t be a blog post without plugs so here they come.

First, I have never had a Christmas tree before but will have one this year.  You’ll be able to see my first annual lighting of the mother ship Christmas tree on Instagram and youtube when I post that video…so why not subscribe and follow now.

Over on podbean we’re talking about all the sexual harassment and assault allegations going on in Washington and Hollywood.  Angie and I attempt to have a very honest and open discussion about it and I think it went pretty well.

The video of that talk will be on YouTube soon.

Nest weeks podcast will be about a very cool concept being bandied about in the science world. Angie and I talk about the possibility that we are all living in a simulation.  It’s an interesting talk and we both do our best to sound smart.

Angie of course and as usual sounds way smarter than I do.

And hey look it’s all my social media links!

Instagram http://bit.ly/1XgDJfc Stupid pictures I post of me doing stupid life stuff.

Twitter http://bit.ly/1YIWqZA I say stupid stuff in small snippets.

Perilous Podcast http://bit.ly/2och5LE  Current episode is about sexual assault claims.

Facebook http://bit.ly/fnbrjwp Probably pictures of me getting beaten up.

Perilous Vlogcast  http://bit.ly/perilpod It’s the video version of the Podcast.

One last note, if you don’t know what to get someone for Christmas, why not give them the gift of assassination, murder, revenge, weird sex and dead hookers by picking up a copy of my pulp novel The Geek available on amazon in paperback.  Also available on iTunes and amazon for ebook.

Goodreads http://bit.ly/1XpMF4k Read my reviews before you buy my novel.

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Amazon http://amzn.to/1MwzPG6 Buy my novel already!  Jeez!

And hey if you’re in Los Angeles why not head on over to Skylight books in Los Feliz and pick up a paperback copy.  They’re a great indie book store and it’s worth a visit.

All right folks, take care and I’ll see ya all next week.

The day I went completely James T. Kirk on a Klingon.

Hey all,

When I first started doing this I had three different websites, because that seemed like a good idea…it wasn’t.

I know this may be lazy, but you shouldn’t judge because I think you’ll all enjoy the following tale that I told on my old website almost 3 years ago.

This is a true story and certainly sticks with the policy I’ve placed on here to be fun and stay away from politics until after the new year.

The story takes place back before I was sober and I wrote this post before I got so heavily into BJJ and other insane things.  I had been reflecting on my life, shenanigans and trying to open myself up by telling embarrassing and weird stories about myself.

This certainly falls into that category and I hope you are entertained and enjoy it.

So without further ado, here is a “classic” tale from the life of an idiot man child.

Enjoy.

The day I went completely James T. Kirk on a Klingon.

I live in my own little world. I don’t think that’s much of a surprise to anyone who knows me. I may technically be an adult male, but my mind is usually filled up with thoughts about things that most grown men wouldn’t bother with.

Like what would I name my pet dragon?

Or if I owned a spaceship what would it look like? Who would I crew it with? Where would I go and what would I bring with me?

I have spent way more time on those questions than any man, other than Elon Musk, probably should.

And I have answers, way too many and detailed answers to be taken seriously. I know what my ship would look like. I have a good idea of the crew, and everywhere, is usually the answer for where I would go.

Of course under what would I bring with me, that’s a bit tougher. You never know what you may encounter in space and what could end up being valuable.

On the top of the list would be Stouffer’s French bread pizza. I know, that sounds silly and to be honest I’m not that big of a fan of French bread pizza, though I used to love it as a kid.

I do however think that after six months in deep space you’d kill your crewmate for a Stouffer’s pepperoni French bread pizza, so having some on hand is probably a good idea.

See? Way too much time.

I make no bones about being a geek. I always have been and always will be.

I enjoyed playing sports growing up and still enjoy physical activity. But the thought of sitting in front of the television and watching any type of sporting event, quite frankly puts me into an instant boredom coma.

Blood sports are the one exception. UFC is the shit.

If we still had gladiator games I’d have season tickets.

Barbaric? Yes. Boring? No.

Most of my friends are really into sports and that’s cool. I have a buddy who is in three different fantasy football leagues and doesn’t understand why I’d rather play Skyrim than watch football. But the basic answer is simple. If I wanted to I could go down to the park and play football, or baseball or shoot hoops. Not that I would want to, but I could.

He thinks I’m childish.

I think Fantasy Football is Dungeons and Dragons for people who don’t know what they’re missing.

So sports, I could do if I wanted. What I can’t do is kill dragons, fight demons, travel through space or battle the joker.

I did one time, a few years ago, get into a drunken fist fight with a guy dressed as the Riddler, but I don’t think that counts because A) it was Halloween and B) the guy was an asshole.

But that was old me and I am now new me, or at least trying to be.

I don’t know if I would be considered a Trekkie or Trekker. Mainly because, I don’t quite understand why people who love Star Trek would even argue about the proper term, it’s silly.

I do love Star Trek and have watched, with pride all of the series and movies. I agree with most that Star Trek Enterprise and Voyager pretty much blew and disagree with some about the new Star Trek movies, which I think are pretty awesome.

I have however never dressed up at a convention. Though I did date a woman for a while who was into a lot of role play and like me, was a massive nerd.

I have actually uttered the phrase “But I thought Vulcans only mated once every seven years?” with a completely straight face, while dressed in a Star Trek uniform and holding my phaser.

That last bit wasn’t a euphemism; I was actually holding a Star Trek phaser.

But that all took place in the privacy of her apartment where many adventures were had and the words “Firing Photons at Uranus!” could mean a lot of different things.

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So while I have never indulged in public displays of Star Trekkiness there used to be a place that allowed me to immerse myself in that world and really have a good time.

It’s not there anymore, but it was called the Star Trek Experience. It was at the Hilton off the strip in Las Vegas, and was comprised of a VR ride (later there were two) various shops, a sci-fi themed casino area and a pretty damn accurate re-creation of Quark’s Bar.

Quark’s Bar was the main watering hole in the Star Trek series Deep Space 9. The bulk of the show took place on the Deep Space 9 Station and Quark’s was where people usually went to get hammered, gamble, fight and hook up.

The one in Las Vegas was no exception. They served lots of different Star Trek themed drinks, very decent food and the entire bar looked, for the most part, like it came right out of the series.

Anytime I went to Vegas I would make sure to go there.  Sometimes I went with friends and sometimes alone, but I always had fun.

One of the great things about Quarks and the Star Trek Experience in general was that they had people dressed up in costume who would walk around and interact with the guests. This added an extra level of immersion that at times could really transport you into the fantasy.

Especially depending on how many shots of tequila you’d had.

The best and strangest experience I ever had at Quark’s took place quite a few years ago in 2006. Three of us decided to head to Vegas for a weekend of Shenanigans. The plan was as usual, eat, drink and gamble.

Saturday morning, after much cajoling on my part I convinced my friends to come with me to Quark’s.

Neither of them were Star Trek fans and only after promising to not only pay for lunch, but all the booze, they agreed to come.

So there we sat at the bar doing shots of tequila and watching the insanity around us. After the first couple of shots my friends started to loosen up.

By the time we’d eaten our lunch and got down to the serious drinking, they were having a blast.

At one point a young man in a Federation Uniform came by and got into an argument with a Ferengi. The staged argument ended with the Federation Officer administering a stern warning.

My friends had no idea what a Ferengi was but they were definitely amused.0f6677e27008fcd4ff2a0ea960ef988c39b03625c86b6093ff62e622c6307f9d

We continued to drink and the more we did, the more my friends got into the whole experience.

It was around hour two of tequila fest when we realized there was a group of Federation Officers, sitting in a booth and pretending to drink heavily themselves.

We observed them, talking about the troubles in the neutral zone and what Star Fleet needed to do about the Cardasian situation.

My friends and I were pretty drunk at this point and incredibly impressed with the amount of detail the attraction put into the whole Quark’s Bar thing.

Then, it got even better when three, really drunk Klingon Warriors stumbled in and shouted for Ale. There were two men and one woman, all appeared to be Korean under their incredibly professional makeup.

About five minutes after the Klingons came in, things went to the next level. The largest male warrior said something that sounded very derisive in Klingon and pointed at the booth of Federation officers.

The Klingons laughed heartily, clinked beer steins and downed their ales.

There was much whispering at the Federation table and the four officers stood and stumbled over to the Klingons, telling them to watch themselves.

Theses officers were not going to be putting up with any Klingon bullshit.

That’s when the largest of the Klingons stood up and poked the commanding officer in the chest with his finger. The officer poked back. This was followed by a shove from the Klingon and then a shove from the officer.

We were really enjoying this show.

Then the Klingon warrior leaned back, belched, and slugged the Federation Officer in the jaw, sending him to the floor unconscious.

That’s when we realized that these people didn’t actually work at Quark’s or the Star Trek Experience but were simply serious fans who were seriously drunk.

The fight escalated and we ordered more shots.

Within thirty seconds it was broken up. The Federation Officers were hauled off, as was the one Klingon who’d thrown the punch. This left two Klingons sitting at the table, too drunk to go after their friend.

I decided to buy them a drink.

A few minutes later, they stumbled over toward us.

The female warrior, who I could tell was a very cute Korean girl under her ridged forehead leaned into me and said, “Hiq Jihvad!”

I didn’t know what that meant, because I don’t speak Klingon. My friends were giggling but the male Klingon warrior said, “She wants you to buy her another drink.”

So I did.

We sat there and did two more shots and had a beer together, while she mumbled in Klingon.

My two friends were currently engaged in a drinking competition with the male warrior and from what I could tell were having the time of their lives.

The female warrior wrapped her arm around my shoulder, looked me in my bleary eyes and said, “Sohvad!”

I looked to the male warrior who translated, with a smile. “She said you’ll do.”

Before I could ask what she meant by it she leaned in and kissed me. It was a deep, passionate kiss. The kind of kiss you’d expect from a Klingon Warrior.02e02219ab43a892fda20bbb1bd9c754

She grabbed my wrist, yanked me off my stool and started dragging me out of the bar. She turned back and yelled over her shoulder to her companion in Klingon.

He did not wait to be asked but immediately translated. “My sister is taking you upstairs!”

So I finally knew what was happening. I was about to go upstairs to her hotel room and engage in Klingon, Human relations.

Certainly not the strangest thing I’ve done on tequila.

I was also relieved to know this man was her brother and was incredibly curious about their childhood.

My friends shouted things like “Do it for the Federation!” and “We’ll rendezvous in sector gigidy!” They were still laughing and drinking as I was dragged through the Hilton by a six foot two, drunken, Korean Klingon warrior.

I kept trying to get her name, but she refused to speak English.

We got to her room and she threw me onto the bed and growled. Seriously, this crazy woman actually picked me up, threw me and then growled.

Needless to say I was ready to put all my efforts into the diplomatic détente between an upstanding citizen of the United Federation of Planets and a proud warrior of the Klingon Empire.

I reached out and attempted to pull the latex ridges off her forehead. She grabbed my wrists and pushed me away. It seemed she was determined to stay in character, and again would not speak to me in English.

Through a series of hand motions we were able to negotiate a partial deal. She agreed to, and did remove the false, crooked, pointed Klingon teeth she was wearing. Two lovely rows of white, straight human teeth were revealed.

Oddly enough this actually made her look stranger than she had before.

She quickly shucked herself out of her Klingon battle gear.

The whole time we were up in her room she kept screaming out words in Klingon which I hope stood for “Yes” and “Oh my God” and not “You’re doing it wrong” and “Don’t stick your finger in there”.

Finally after a couple of hours she decided we were done. Her wig was half off her head and her latex ridges looked much worse for the wear.crazy-space-chicks-star-trek-orion-slave-girls-girl-slavegir-demotivational-poster-1248607464

Laying in bed and watching TV she kept repeating the same word. “Mej”

I didn’t know what it meant and she wasn’t angry so I lay there with her for a little while longer watching an episode of Stargate. Finally she turned to me, smiled and kissed me on the cheek.

Then she pointed at the door and said “Mej”

I’m pretty sure that means leave, so I did.

Riding back down in the elevator I couldn’t really believe what happened. I had never, and to this day have never, met anyone that into Star Trek.

I had been drunkenly seduced and used as a sexual play toy by an Amazonian, Korean, Female, Klingon Warrior.

I felt really cool. Captain James T. Kirk, sleeping with green alien chicks cool.

It was one of the greatest Las Vegas Saturdays of my life.

I did the walk of absolutely no shame back into the bar and found my friends still drinking with the male Klingon.

They were completely hammered.

It turned out the Klingon guys name was Glen. He, his sister Judith (The woman who’d had her way with me) and their friend Mike—who’d been kicked out of the bar and probably arrested— would come to Vegas twice a year from Minnesota to dress as Klingons and get drunk at Quarks for about a week.

They would walk around Vegas, the entire time in character. It was their biannual pilgrimage to a place they loved.

I’m sure they were crushed when it closed.

My friends hailed me as a conquering hero, and the next time we went back to Vegas they insisted we go to Quark’s. Bar.

We never had and experience like that one again. But something like that is rarely repeated.

So if you ever find yourself in a bar in Minnesota and a tall, buxom Korean woman, in full Klingon garb approaches you, that’s probably Judith.

You’ll have two choices. You can run like a Ferengi coward.

Or put on your Kirk pants and do the Federation proud.

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Oh by the way, my spaceship would be called the Chicken Hawk.

My pet dragon’s name would be Excelsior. He is one bad mama-jama of a metallic green dragon with gold flecks and he don’t take no shit from no body.

Yeah I’m a geek, whatcha gonna do about it sports nerd?

Live long and prosper bitches.

Have a nice weekend everybody, see ya next week with another of my “conversations with nature” stories.

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Perilous Vlogcast  http://bit.ly/perilpod It’s the video version of the Podcast. This week RFK and MKULTRA.

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