Hi there, how are you? Welcome back and I hope everyone is surviving the week.
So this is going to be a 3 part series of blog posts to get off my chest things that are, well, on my chest.
Don’t worry, it’s not about the current political climate I guess we’re all sick of that, though now more than ever we must be paying attention to what is going on around us. But again, I’m not going to get into that here…today or for the next week or so.
I have a couple of anniversaries coming up that are pretty important to me. One of which I will celebrate on Friday and the following Wednesday.
Today though I’m going to bore the ever loving fuck out of you with my tale of continued sobriety and my ever constant failed attempts at “adulting”.
Though I suppose I shouldn’t say failed, because that would be too harsh, however I do feel that I have somehow failed, but this has more to do with my own insecurities and bouts of self-destruction.
Unfortunately I can’t really go into detail too much. I mean, I suppose I could but I’m trying to protect someone I care about…still care about. Though at times I wonder if they actually deserve it.
It’s hard for most people to understand the mind of a degenerate alcoholic. Especially if that alcoholic looks and acts like I do. I tend to be a bit of a goofball and am usually in a good mood.
However, this also stems from decades of using humor as a shield or a way to deflect from feeling a true deep emotion.
But, and there’s no way to say this without sounding cocky, I am actually pretty damn funny. That’s not an assumption, that’s fact based on rigorous research. And I do get much joy out of making others laugh or in some way brightening their day.
A spoonful of sugar and all that.
But, what happens most of the time is that people think everything is always okay, but most of the time, if I’m not really on top of it, my mind is basically trying to kill me.
When I was drinking, my mind found many ways to lead me down the besotted path. Drinking and the liberal use of other substances, coupled with my ability to deflect with humor usually kept me in a numb, very shallow (emotionally) state. This is great for an alcoholic as it allows you to go through life not really giving a fuck.
Not giving a fuck about work. Not giving a fuck about yourself. Not giving a fuck about life. Not giving a fuck about love. Really just not giving a fuck about anything other than the real basic needs.
The need to eat. The need to sleep. The need to drink. The need to fuck everyone stupid enough to let you into their bed.
It’s not a healthy way to live, but it’s good if you don’t want to feel.
A relationship ends? So what.
Someone hurts you? Hurt them back out of “honor” and then move on with your life.
You abandoned a friend when they needed you? So what, it’s their fault for being stupid enough to think you’d help. They really should’ve figured you out by now.
My last drink was on December 23, 2013. Since then I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself to keep the self destruction at bay.
There are advantages to being sober of course. Not waking up in a panic. Not having to piece your night together through the trail of the receipts you find in your pocket. Not feeling the need to run downstairs and check your car for dings, dents, blood or dead hookers in the trunk.
These are all positives. But there are also positives that can be negatives too.
I do have days where I miss not giving a shit. Where I could flit from relationship to relationship or hook up to hook up and not care, simply because I was numb.
However, for the most part, the ability to feel, to really feel, outweighs the negatives.
There really were no highs before I got sober. There was just the appearance of it, the faking happy, the faking fun, the faking anything and everything to keep people away.
My mind was an absolute shit show. The thoughts that ran through it were a daily parade of self loathing, clever ideas about death, supreme inadequacy and even darker shit that was a glorious mélange of bullets, knives, blood, general fuckery, anger, hate (at myself and everyone else) and the occasional full blown fantasy of the entire world going up in smoke.
Now though, I do feel. I mean truly feel. The highs, the good days, the good times are epic. However, the lows, the lows can really get you.
I had a run in yesterday with someone who I feel I helped through an incredibly serious time in their life. I let all my guards down, I put aside my needs and wants for the most part and tried – and I think succeeded – in making the selfless choices over feeding my own needs and desires.
Again, not getting into too much detail, but quite frankly I don’t know where this person would be right now if it weren’t for me. And of course part of me feels like a total shit for even thinking that thought. But it is what it is. I wont apologize for still being human and wanting to be acknowledged for putting someone else’s needs to the point of my own hurt, above my own.
I don’t really know if that’s petty. It’s hard to say, since this is still kind of new for me.
So, this person has really turned their life around recently and I’m so grateful for that. They deserve to be happy and I truly want that for them.
But, this run in I had on the phone with them made me feel like an absolute fool. Like I meant nothing to them, that what I did for them didn’t matter. I was faced with the realization that if they had to choose between making a sacrifice to help me or leave me to wallow in darkness, they would choose darkness. Which I doubt is true, but it’s how it felt.
I certainly hope it’s not the choice they’d make. That would really piss me the fuck off.
I don’t think this person wanted to make me feel like shit on purpose, I really don’t. But, I feel how I feel and I won’t deny it.
So this sent me into a tailspin of shit. Of not being able to work, of being heart sick and really wanting to drink.
But, then I told myself what I’ve been telling myself for the past 3 1/2 plus years. Nobody forced you to do this. You made your choice to help. You have to embrace the fact that you were able to do this because you were sober and because you are sober you’re going to feel things. So dipshit, do you want to feel or do you want to be numb?
I made the same choice I’ve been making. I choose to feel. So I took the day and readjusted myself. I meditated for a good two hours (more of that on the next post), had a nice light lunch and then went to the gym.
Of course, through the rest of the night every time the phone rang or the text buzzer went off I thought It’s them! They do care and they’re reaching out to let me know they’re sorry.
But it was never them. Now, I say all this knowing full well the basic tenet of our society is that being self centered is wrong. However, most people are benignly self centered. Every single one of us lives in our own solar system that we share with many other solar systems in the galaxy of life.
We are the sun, the center of our solar system, the world always revolves around us.
Another thing most people don’t want to admit is that pretty much every alcoholic or drug addict (or both if you’re a multitasker) is a frickin’ narcissist.
It’s my world, my solar system, my pain, my loss. Etc.
So I sat there a little butt hurt that this person didn’t realize they’d left me in pain, that the tone of my voice when we spoke didn’t come through or they didn’t pick up to the fact that I was not actually fine.
This is no ones fault but my own. Look folks if you don’t communicate your feelings you can’t expect the person you’re talking to, to pull an Indiana Jones and decipher the hieroglyphics of your soul.
Communicating true feelings still make me very uncomfortable and it’s something I have to work on, I know this and quite frankly it’s not the other person’s fault I let it drop when I really wanted to keep talking at the expense of their own personal comfort.
So it’s not on them, it’s on me.
However, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt, or that this person’s inability to put my feelings first didn’t sting. But it is what it is and even though I may be wrong, I continue to believe that this person is truly good and did not mean to hurt me.
But it still pissed me right the fuck off.
So what’s the point of all this? Well, if you’re not an alcoholic, I suppose the point of this post was just to bitch and get some shit off my chest.
However, if you are an alcoholic and you want to stop I can tell you that sobriety is pretty damn spectacular. You will face challenges, you will face urges and the occasional shit storm. However, being brave enough to walk away from the self destructive numb, you will experience life, I mean truly experience it. You’ll get all the best highs and all the worst lows.
But you will feel.
If you’re in recovery, just remember, no one is worth your sobriety. Your mind is going to constantly try to kill you and you’re never going to be perfect. And it’s going to be the little thing that really tempts you. It’s not going to be the death of a loved one, or losing your job. It’s not going to be that heart wrenching break up or the argument with a family member.
The thing that will tempt you the most will be the tiniest thing. It’ll be something insignificant that blows up inside your mind like a seemingly insensitive text or phone call.
But remember two things:
- No one is perfect, humans are flawed and if you want to live amongst the normals you have to cut them and yourself a lot of slack.
- No one, no one at all, is worth your sobriety or sanity.
Okay so that was pretty whiney and cuntish, but that’s the mood I was in and sometimes this blog isn’t about entertaining, hawking my wares or even shenanigans. Sometimes it’s really about me and my need to clear the bad shit out of my mind so I can let the good stuff in.
You wanna bitch, then start your own blog. On Friday I’ll be changing to a much more positive tone to discuss the value of meditation in sobriety and why connecting with your spirituality is key.
But look, let’s go ahead and cleanse the palette from all this seriousness. Here’s a random dick pick for ya:
There, isn’t that better.
Now, here are some links to crap.
Instagram http://bit.ly/1XgDJfc Stupid pictures I post of me doing stupid life stuff.
Goodreads http://bit.ly/1XpMF4k Read my reviews before you buy my novel.
Amazon http://amzn.to/1MwzPG6 Buy my novel already! Jeez!
Twitter http://bit.ly/1YIWqZA I say stupid stuff in small snippets.
Perilous Podcast http://bit.ly/2och5LE Current episode is about Charlottesville.
Facebook http://bit.ly/fnbrjwp Probably pictures of me getting beaten up.
Perilous Vlogcast http://bit.ly/perilpod It’s the video version of the Podcast.
Oh and if you’re in Los Angeles, The Geek is available at Skylight books in Los Feliz.